Drinking, dancing and over doing

I raised my hands and admit that I was a VERY bad girl this Saturday.
I could only think of were "Don't talk, don't shout, Control, I am tired, I want to be alone, what happened on Monday, is Irene available, stupid crowds everywhere..."

I am not a heavy clubber. Whenever I'm there, all I could see is how people losing themselves, trying to be happy(That I wondered how many are really happy?), trying to push their way around. Of cos' I was one of them but I can't say I am totally into it. I was merely trying to fit in the crowd while moving my body to the beats.(And I wondered do I look stupid when I'm dancing?)

This is my favourite photo of the night.(Taken by Jason)

Late nights on long run are definitely detrimental to the body (and bank account). Maybe I lost the time to do so. When I was younger, I don't even step in to any clubs. Now when I do it, I slept another 12 hours to make up for the lost of energy.
But I am somewhat glad that I don't party that hard when I was younger. When I see those sexy wannabes at Powerhouse, I don't feel interested.
By the way...Powerhouse sucks man! I don't know if we were dancing or our bodies are moving cos' everyone just keep bumping to each other. Back to those sexy wannabes? I don't even see any substance in them and only guys like Jerry & Kliff would love picking them up one by one.
-roll eyes-

Boilers live is much better but this is my second visit and I still hear the few same old songs. But it's good cos' it makes you wanna sing along.

I wouldn't condemn clubbing altogether cos' I see it as a really fun time to be with your girlfriends. (No BOYFRIENDS!)
To do it every weekend? I would need to consider that.
I miss sleeping earlier on a Saturday. =3

You know, I miss you all. Meeeowww.

What I Lust for Christmas...Are...

Christmas is approaching in less than a month's time. But honestly speaking, with the economic downturn, the world's chaos(that's really very bad) and the not so xmasy town decorations, no one seems to get inspired for this Christmas.

Let's face it, the news are just depressing and what has the world has to offer for Christmas this year? Peace, love and joy? Ho,ho and ho. -Sigh-

Still there is nothing wrong with having things that you lust for this season.
By 'lust', I meant things that are not so affordable and are somewhat deem as a sin to buy them(instead of scrimping the coins & notes).

This is a note to Santa.

Dear Mr Claus,

I may not be a very good girl this year (again) but I think you owe me at least 24 -beep- years of presents.
I may be grateful and falling my knees down on gratitude each time I think of the things I am blessed in my life, but that does not cover the my disappointment to see my empty socks on every 25th December.

I know you have been busy and I shall not be greedy.(Hey, it rhymes!)
Please find below illustrated gift lists. I would be a darn happy girl if I received any of it and I promise I would be really good next year. -cross my tongue-

Apparently there are more important things in life than fashion. Yeah right - FCUK time

I spotted a certain FCUK bling watch @ AMK Hub and I hadn't dare to peek at the price. It doesn't look like the one above. It is a round face watch with the FCUK bling in the middle and crystal blings on the rim.

I would imagined the price to be beyond $200 and having a 20% discount won't make a difference to it anyhow.

Canon Powershot E1

I like this the very first time I saw it on the back of 8 days. The baby pink colour pull my eyes to it. I admit this is a pretty bimbo thing but which gal doesn't like pretty things?

BUT recently I thought a functional smart camera is good too. No, not a DSLR. I am not able to afford that as much as I am relishing on.

Have you seen the recent Canon Ixus advertisement? I know Ixus series are good digi cam but seriously this is not a need. (None of my things listed here are needs anyway)

I consider this Ixus versus Powershot a strong debate. Functionality & ..Looks (with good functions as well). My likings always toppled over to the looks' side but seriously, Ixus has got good function.

Hmmm..-furrow eyebrows- T__T

I know this is not a toy!

Did you know I had 2 rabbits when I was really young? (I figured I was 2 or 3 years old but I remember them.) One day I woke up and find them missing. Mum told me that a worm bit them and they died.

I really do not know what's the actual reason but recently I wish I have one. Ok, maybe NOT recently but I kinda always want a bunny for keeping.

A dog is certainly a no-no now. No money for it, no time for it and no permission for it. I want a pet which I can pet and a bunny fits just right. I do not have to worry that it would feel very lonely when I am not at home too.

I always want a droopy ears, grey or brown small one! But the thing I noticed about droopy ears bunnies is that they can grow up really big.

But no matter big or small, I still do not have the permission for it. Fyn told me bunnies can stink so I can't put them in my room. My parents would loathe the idea of keeping another pet. (Stinky and Stinko are still alive and still reek!)

Ok,maybe not really. I am not exactly someone that would spend hundreds over a brand but still~~who would say No to a brand if given? Everyone would have a LV,Prada,Coach,Gucci wallet. Some would have Burberry but the keyword is 'some'.

I like Burberry like I like Marc Jacobs. Ok, I like the latter better!

I guess I would be really greedy if I add on to the list. But hey, I am not. Fine, I admit I would carry on if I didn't have to go to bed right now.

Night people. Sweet dreams tonight.

So Mr Claus, do you think you can bag any of the above for me? No? No? No! Wth...Fine.

Love,

Ling

It's Friday already?

Technically tomorrow's Friday.

My brain is in a coma and I need to detox it.

Ps: Little Nonya @ Channel 8 is soooooooooooooooooo Nice~. Finally a different and quality drama series.

Roar,roar,roar,rawr!

Been feeling sluggish the whole day and I do not like it.
There ought to be some proper documentations of what happened yesterday but not today.
Roar,roar,roar,rawr!

Damnit! I wanna roarrrr tomorrow!

我怎麽不懂你多寂寞, 残忍的犯了错 - 曹格

When Jerry sang that song last night (or rather super early in the AM today), I kinda wanna cry but I didn't cos' he kept laughing. (Totally spoiling the song. Haha)

Anyway yesterday was a great night.

Before I met Fyn @ Aljunied, I went to walk alone at Raffles City for a while.
Vonx was sms-ing me along the way. Thanks Vonny~. Muacks.

One word of warning.
Never try Cedele Bakery Pot @ Raffles City, basement.
I tried it once with Vonx, the food sucked.
I tired it once more yesterday, the food sucked.

Mushroom Quiche

Maybe that Mushroom Quiche is manageable but that Ice Green Tea Mocha is horrible. I hardly manage to let the first glup slide down my throat. It is something about that green tea powder that is not blendable with the very weak mocha that made me shuddered. I thought I would throw up somewhere in the Disney show.

It was a light drizzle when I went over to Aljunied to find Fyn & Benson. Sweet O' Benson being by far, the best boyfriend I know fetched both of us to Singapore Indoor Stadium and then waited at Kallang Leisure Park for a hour and a half plus before fetching us back.
To add on,he even bought us both a cup of hot chocolate from Starbucks & surprised usFyn by patiently waiting outside the stadium.
A guy like Benson sure set the benchmark of a VERY good boyfriend VERY,VERY HIGH.

I felt like a kid all over again watching this kinda show. But it is my virgin visit to Singapore Indoor Stadium and absolutely my virgin Disney kinda show.
It made me miss Disneyland all over again.

Thank you my darling for accompanying me to the show.

It is rather sweet, funny and very Disney fairytales (Oh, and very short). Only thing I hadn't expect that is the last fairytale is Beauty & the Beast. I had thought it gonna be Snow White, Cinderella & Sleeping Beauty.

The whole Disney production made me feel like a small girl once more. I guess most girls would grow up dreaming meeting their Prince Charming one day, doing the Waltz dance and live happily ever after.
Whatever happened to happily ever after? No one mentioned about the things that could go wrong in between and how many possible happily ever afters are there in reality?

Sure there were alot of kids around. More girls than boys and some of them were dressed in Princesses costumes.
So many rich kids nowadays. So many.

I proceeded to meet Irene @ Vivo after the show.
We watched Beverly Hills, Chihuahua. It was the kinda show I wouldn't have watch but I kinda like it after watching. Just cute.
It sure made me wanna have a dog all over again. I just wondered what could my parents do (even though they wouldn't allow) if I come home with a puppy? What can they do?

I somewhat had expected Irene would be the type that go to a club/pub when she meant CHILL after movie session. Haha. Thank God I wasn't underdressed this time round.

I dunno where the heck I'm looking at.

The coincidence was we were both in toga tops! Black and white go lalala in St James~
We hit Broilers and danced for a while before the broken hearted (karma!) Jerry joined us.

Almost balding Jerry at the background, totally spoiling the photo.


Take 2. I haven't drank alot but my reddish eyes spoilt it all. I have been wearing the lens for too long.

Broilers' songs are not exactly dance floor song materials. We left very quickly and proceeded to the KTV pubs.

Found Irene's (stolen) reindeer in Jerry's car. Hehehe.

Initially I felt a lil' weird to be in the company of Jerry & Irene @ the same time. I felt a lil' odd.
He didn't really talk to me(He talked to me via Irene, like passing messages) and actually I am not very keen to talk to him either.
I haven't got very good impression of this guy and it worsened alot on 2nd meeting that night at Dbl O.
But how he is like is actually none of my business. I guess there are certain triats I found up I like about him on this 3rd meeting.

Like how romantic & sweet he can get for a girl he really likes touches me. I like romantic guys.
Like how he mentioned he really wanna sing his own songs for the bride on his wedding day, I like and is something I have been dreaming of.
(But reality check, how can he actually settles down would amaze all of us.It really amused me how a guy like him would actually yearn for marriage. Maybe he just yearn for the romances of it, like me. But I definitely know a marraige is more than just romance.)
Like how dependable he is as a friend for Irene, I like. At least I am glad that Irene has a dependable friend in office.
Umm..nothing else. Oh,physically wise..I do like his dimples alot. I think it is a blessing to have dimples on your face.
It is a secondary school girl thing about liking guys with dimples.

So that self proclaimed 曹格no 2 sang the songs and I thought I like Jason singing better? Plus he didn't really sing. He just have to break into laughter each time when he tries to look at me and sing. I guess I was too fugly for him to look at and concentrate.
Whatever~

Happiness in the early dawn.

But when Jerry really did manage to hold his eyes on me during the last long series of love songs, I felt very paiseh all the sudden. Very, very paiseh. Ok, let's face it. I don't have what it takes to...erm...whatever.

Reached home at 4.45am. Quiety took at quick bath and slept at 5am. Suddenly all the vodka and chivas mixture makes me drowsy and nice to sleep. I realised my body was very tired.


Let's see what other pictures I have got here.

YUMMMY!

I bought this at KL and finally took a few pieces yesterday.

I tell you, it is by far my favourite digestive biscuits! Marks & Spencers' ones has no fight for this! So I am hereby making a request to those who read this blog.

IF you ever see this DARK CHOCOLATE CADBURY digestive biscuits, PLEASEEE~~~~~ buy it for me!

Met Irene on Wednesday evening after work for dinner.

Our baked pastas @ Coffee Club, Raffles City

Organic teabags @ Marks & Spencers, going for $ 4.90 - $5.90 only!

I just feel happy. Despite all the not so happy moods & tears I have for my own relationship, I feel happy & blessed to have friends.

See, I am really not resentful or blaming Jason for anything now. I somewhat really, really wanna find the courage to search for something that I thought is missing.
I really do not know how to talk to Jason now, what to talk about. I thought I pretty much sum up what I want in my previous blog entry but how to talk. I don't even know what I would really want.

I want a second chance.
A second chance to experience love, real love between 2 persons this time round. Can it be done again with the same old person or would it be a different person now?
You see, the length of a relationship doesn't depict anything...So I learned.

You know the 曹格's Superwoman song? I don't even know if the guy deserves a forgiven chance? Cos if I were the lady in the song, I would feel weary. I am pretty sure that in the song, the lady must have withstand all of the things not just once or twice but for fnumerous times that she decided to leave.

I would leave. That is if I were the lady in the song. No amount of Superwoman or Superman songs that he sang would touch me.
Sometimes second chance is not given to the same old person. Someone else deserves that.

What am I trying to say? I am actually too tired to think anything now.

Good old' Sunday. Tomorrow's boo boooooo day!

I'll be ok - Sondre Lerche

I was looking at my limited song lists, thinking what to play.
What song to play to feel right, to make things be feel okay?
This song title seems obvious for an answer.

There is no sense in worrying about me cos' I don't think I would come across someone silly enough to do something really,really abnormal in times of emotional depression.
Sure I cried but I can go to sleep, eat, walk around and laugh still.
I used to think those are moments of disguise but it is actually the art of surviving under different situation callings. It would otherwise be pathetic to mop around like it is doomsday every other next second.

I have to emphasize that I do feel happy for my friends. I am not that saint & pure enough not to let their happiness rub in some pain for myself but I am genuinely happy for them.

And I am thankful for their kindness on me.
For instance, Fyn is kind to join me for a kids show thing which Jason conveniently forgot about it. (I know I sound resentful here but ok, I am not.)
Irene, I really do not know whether she is trying to cheer me up cos' I still feel bad towards it, wants to meet me for a late night movie after the Disney show.

I know my friends are willing to do much more if they can afford the time but I am grateful. I do not wish my own situation to mess up with theirs.

I have to do something about mine anyway. I think I know what to do. (Do I?)
I have to let Jason realises that this is NOT just another moment and I am weary to go through another of that again. I have to make him realise the problem between us and not let him walk away each time.
Yes, we have our happy moments but lately issues have been occuring too often that I do not feel happy for long.
While I never expect a relationship to be always lalala happy but it is odd to feel that we are in denial of something all the time.

I want to be with someone that I can give my all and it is all that I received.
I do not want Jason to tell me that he would try and asks me to try. To me, they all are just words and words can be forgottten.
If anything, I want him to prove it to me and really try to touch me this time round.

But question...Do I still want him or do I want someone else altogether? The whole idea of meeting someone new and really fall in love entices me very much. But I have to do it from a clean record.

Can I just declare myself as I am single and available once more? If Jason wants me, he should start by really putting an effort of winning my heart and not assuming that we would just meet every Saturday cos' we are in a relationship.

Never.
Assume.
Anything.

But I thought I could only declare so when I have finally have talk this with Jason. It is afterall like a respect to end this relationship or perhaps to give it a new start?
Jason, for all I know is never brave enough to talk his feelings to me. I doubt to anyone else.
Maybe I am assuming too. But that is what I know.

I don't know what kinda novelty is rubbing into me and where on earth have I get the notion from to start all these thinkings and make these decisions.
I don't know, really.

----------
Anyway...I have a long few hours to wander alone before meeting Fyn and a short few hours (also long) to wander alone before meeting Irene.
I really do not know what to do but perhaps just wander aimlessly, trying to be above all.

Well...I should do a picture post up next. Enough of my emo rants.

Ps:Did I just said recently that if I do another emo-post, I would be hang upside down?
Lucky I put a disclaimer (NOT) at the end of the sentence.
Phew.....

Losing faith

It's a lie to tell you I have not cried. While I did not cry my heart out, my silent weeping took a lot of me.

This year has been one tough one for me, emotionally wise.
You see, I am really thinking hard this time round. Perhaps seeing my friends moving on, I realised I should really evaluate my relationship.
Why does it seems that mine isn't moving forward when I have been in a single relationship longer than most of them? If not moving forward, it actually took so many steps backward.

I read through some of my blog entries this year. I found that it is always the same old issues that I face and perhaps will throughout my life if I continue my relationship with Jason.

1) I will always find myself not loving him enough.
2) I will always find there is a missing puzzle in our relationship.
3) I will always find myself sick and tired of him not being able to be with me when I wanted him to.
4) I will always find him not the way I would love him to be as a boyfriend.
5) Etc.

I remembered being extremely upset and actually more so angry somewhere in June. It is too because of him always busy in his little own working world and totally vanished from mine. I just do not feel the connection between us anymore and it doesn't help that he is so insensitive.

I find myself forgiving him cos' I told him that would the last time I would wanna forgive this.
That of cos, isn't the first time I find myself upset over this issue. It is really the 'X' time in this long relationship we shared.

There were times Jason was really sweet. I always tell my friends that Jason is a very good boyfriend. Sure he is always busy and insensitive at times but which boyfriend is perfect? I am not someone perfect either.
He makes me laugh easily, always give in to me and I guess I could list a lot of points that make me wanna forgive him.
All I have to do is be more understanding to his other commitments in life.

I too, have been thinking...Other than this, what is it? About the part that my heart can't be with him totally. I can't blame myself and no people,I feel has the right to blame me.
You just can't explain the matter of heart. There is just certain type of people you can fall in love overnight and spend the lifetime trying to forget them.
You are lucky if you can be with that one such person but if like me, you can't....What the fuck should you do about that?
Picking up your life and leaving is REALLY NOT as simple as you think. Just because you have no idea, don't assume it is just a matter of decision. It is more than that.
(No, I am not pointing a finger to anyone. I am merely talking to ...air.)

I just couldn't deny that missing something between me and Jason. If I can, there wouldn't be so many hiccups along these years.
Times...There are times I thought I am just being foolish and I could live with that.
Time....It is just time that I need (and luck) that I would convince myself that Jason would be the one I would be with the rest of my life.

I am not kidding that even as unsure as I am about this relationship sometimes, there are good times when I thought I just wanna marry Jason. He loves me and I know he will be able to do a good job about it. Now for 5.5 years and for another 55 years and so, I trust he can do it.
Maybe not in the way I would dream my love to be but in his own way.

Dream.
I always wanted someone romantic. I know Jason is not that romantic but I think he can be if he wants to. Maybe somewhere along the way, I made him think that romancing me is harder than anything else but I detest the fact that he hadn't try hard enough.
Or am I expecting again?
Why can't I expect? What is wrong about finding a love that would tugs you close at heart? What is wrong in expecting some qualities in a partner that you know would make you love him for that for a life time?
Who am I to expect...right?

Romance.
When someone at that period of time,genuinely I believed now...at that period of time, wanna move me, he succeeded. So much so that I was so confused and very much wanted that kinda romance over anything else in the world.
But it doesn't last. Why?

I don't deserve anything,do I?
If I do, why won't the things I wanted last for me?
Jason's efforts of promising whatever,whatever never lasts.
That ambiguous romance never did too.

Finally.
Why is it this time round I feel so jaded? I am not angry cos' I don't feel that I have the right to be.
I find myself scare to believe in anything now...at least now.

I am scare to believe that Jason is sorry and would promises anything to make me feel better for a while. A while is not what I want. A while would lead to another 'today' and each episode gets more numb yet painful.

(And I am scare to believe that ambiguous romance now. I do not believe,anymore)

I am scare to believe in myself. Would I then do something that won't hurt anyone? Would I promise to be firm to my decision? See, I do not believe in myself that much too.

You see...It is not possible NOT to be affected by your surroundings. One after another, you see your friends settling down. One night they are meeting their partner for dinner, another night they get pleasant gifts from their partners etc.
It just kills me inside.

All I wanted that Wednesday night was to see Jason and pass him a safety amulet charm which I intended to get it from the temple during lunch...Yet he can't meet me.
It is not the matter of him able or not able to meet me this time round. It is not the matter of me understanding or not understanding his work responsibilities this time round.
It is that I feel tired now. I really do.

So I was saying he is always busy with one thing or another since I know him...I suddenly have the clear vision of he would be this busy or even more so even the day we are living together as a married couple.

I cringed at that vision and I clearly do not want that.
Don't laugh it off as something stupid. If I have come along 5 years experiencing this, what transformation would there be after 10 years?

I am scare of believing in whatever hope and promises, whatever apologies and regrets that Jason might has now.
I am now scare to look forward to another happy date and find myself stumbling over just another day like today soon.

Yet I really do not blame him cos' amidst all these shits, I pained him too much too.
If anything, I think I brought this upon myself.

I do not know how do I want to solve this.
Even if you tell me to just give us another try (You said that before already...You did.), I just dunno if I can.

I am just scare and this time round,with everything rubbing all these years....Everything...

The damage has been done too far.

Please don't tell her that I've meaning to miss her. B'cos' I don't. - Jason Mraz

"Really sorry that I couldn't meet you before I leave. But that will make me miss you more."

I couldn't help but to stifle a cold laugh when I recalled this sentence.
You know what I feel? I feel that people should stop mis-using and now like almost abuse the meaning of 'I miss you'.
I am not going to doubt the meaning of 'missing me' but inside, I am not believing it anymore. It is even like...So what if I believe? What would I get out of it? Money? I don't even get a penny for believing in it and what's taken from me? Tears? You win.

Is it me or what?
It just present to me that him typing that to me was for the sake of saying so.
Don't even bother arguing about the truth of it cos' you did nothing to earn my belief anymore.
I am not even blaming you. I am aware about the things I did hurting you too.

I know how I should feel when someone tell me he misses me. I can feel it and trust me, even it's coming from someone who shouldn't be saying that, I feel loved and touched. And I know it is truth.
I know how to differentiate whether it is the genuine case of 'I miss you' or actually it is just a greeting of 'miss you'. I experienced and I know.

Yours just feel like a duty to say so nowadays and I can't even bring myself to return the greeting.

You know how I feel when I am seeing, reading, feeling all the love, attention and time that my girlfriends are getting from their partners? I don't wanna say I am jealous but if envy can kill, I'm already dead years back.

I can't help but to recall one particular sms of you saying sorry that you always make me feel that you are not by my side but actually you are.

Tears just keep jamming at my tear ducts but I refused their exit. My throat feels the lump so thick that I don't know how to speak.

The time I just wanna see you, wanted you around are so difficult to make arrangment for.
I don't even want to hope for it anymore. I do not want to feel happy for a while and when things returned to the way that they were, I feel the same old disappointment again.

But all I wanna say is...Don't bother anymore. The more you try to make me believe, the lesser I do now.
It is just as simple as you are here or you are not.
I say. It is just a tad too late to make me believe now.

Do I hurt anymore
Do I hurt, well
I don't
I don't
I don't
-Please don't tell her 'Jason Mraz'

"It's complicated"

It is apparent.
You and I are not in a relationship anymore.
You and I are merely Saturday dating partners.
No, I am not making a remark like this in a fait of anger.
I sit and thought hard about it and it is that apparent to me.

I do not like reiterating the things I do not like about you cos' you bring no solutions to it.
I do not like repeating the same kinda guilt/pain/whatever I get each time I hurt you cos' you didn't solve it either.
I do not like re-enacting the whole bloody effort of trying to find up what's wrong, whose fault it is cos' you NEVER do anything about it.
And I do not like re-believing and hope for the day you say you know what's wrong but not able to do anything other than expect my understanding towards it, would bring me a day I won't find myself facing the same issue again.

Let's face it. You and I are merely Saturday dating partners now.
Other than that, you can literally vanish from my world if you want to or rather like how you have been all along.
I (now) think that one to two smses a day is merely your duty call as my boyfriend.
Now I can tell you to stop doing that altogether cos' you don't really don't have to and I won't expect anything from you already.

I've been through this so many times that I gave up believing one day I would stop facing this.
I think back, I really did.
From the day we are together till now, why am I stupid enough to believe one day you might have more time that I want?
I waited from your student days to your army and now your working, and I am saying a woman’s youth is only so fucking limited, I do not wish to go on waiting.

I have been meaning to tell you this.
Do not blame and label me as a bitch when one day I leave you for another man who can give me the romance, the time and the feelings.
I would stop blaming myself for that and to hell to the world who wants to blame me then.

I am selfish about this, I know. It almost seems to read that I did not spare a thought about your world, your commitments, and your feelings.
Many chances…Each time we faced an issue, I wanted to talk about it but you choose not to face it or solve it.
I have the right to say anything I want now, do anything I deem to protect my self dignity, feelings and values.

You and I, now onwards would just be a weekend dating partner.
Do not further expect anything from me nor would I expect from you.
If you meant to earn my trust, my faith and everything, you would have done so anyhow.

I am frolicking in denial. Denial of all the negatives feelings I have got in my heart.
In numbness and pretence, I am neither happy nor sad.
At least, I am safe and perhaps still sane.

Have you ever feel like me tonight?

I feel frustrated.

Frustrated that Jason never has enough time for me when I want him to.
Frustrated that I have to understand and there's nothing I can do but understand.
Frustrated that the romance I want ain't coming from him.
Frustrated that the romance I got is short lived and is so ambigious.
Frustrated that I have to learn to forgive that but still never hard hearted enough to hate it.
Frustrated that I am clearly in love with the hazy figure but still not waking up.
Frustrated that I find everything is NOT at my side when I wake up.
Frustrated that I fell back to dream again and do the whole damn cycle again.
Frustrated that I can't scream.
Frustrated that I can only type this out.

If I am going to hear any lecture from you, any words at all, I will scream!

GODAMNIT!

I feel like breaking a few plates, tearing stacks of papers, singing my lungs out, jumping down from flight of stairs (and survived.),crying!
But I have not plates to break, no papers to tear, no room for singing, no stairs to jump (without surviving a fructure or sprain if heaven is kind on me) and really, no tears to cry.

Don't let me hear anything from anyone else. Damn.

A hug would suffice. But not from you who took it away and make me feel the way I feel tonight.

All I want for Christmas is ...

I don't know yet. I thought of getting that Canon E1 but then I could only have a camera or a phone. Not both. Not rich enough.

Before the year ends, I should:
*Dye my hair and trim it thinner. Should I welcome my blonde streaks again but greener blond this time round?(Maybe baby)

Damn..that's all i can actually think of this moment.

The big plan is I plan to go Taiwan somewhere between May to July next year. No later than August, I hope. I talked about it but it was just air talk till yesterday...I thought I should just make that happen.
Before 26, I hope to cover one Europe country.

It is rather obvious that recession has yet to sink in my head but sometimes I like living my life for the moment. Have you ever really see me thinking and talking about the future? No right?
Thus I decided that if I am such person, my partner shouldn't be the same.
It would be good to have brains though my heart would sway to the romance.

Can the brains incorporate with some romance as well?
No?

Sometimes I am blahing nonsenses. Monday boos.
This is so....outta the topic now.
Christmas? I want love.

What about now? What about today? - Daughtry

I woke up to the sight of my 'Wu ya' (actually a baby penguin) hanging on my door. My dad did that but I thought I shall just leave it there. Quite a funny sight.

Ok,ok. Enough of my emo-rants!
One more of such post would have me being hang upside down on bamboo sticks (Not).

So backdating (groans) should go reverse from yesterday.

Saturday
Jason & I went to catch Madagascar 2.

Mel got for me this.

I thought it was very funny and even better than the previous one! The movie has yet to start and the penguins got us laughing already. Dreamworks really has got the best cartoon productions!

Found at Watsons.

After the movie, it was boring walking in rounds from Jurong Pt to IMM. It doesn't help when I wasn't really smiling much. I asked Jason to drive around aimlessly after we left IMM. He didn't really drive aimlessly cos' he must know where to go. We drove through the long,long industrial area and to Qian Hu area.

Suddenly Jason pulled the car in the middle of a long,dark road and alighted. He went over to open my door and I was full of question marks. He mentioned something about letting me fulfilling my dreams and I got out the car still not knowing what he meant.

Suddenly in my mind was the scene from 'A Walk to Remember' whereby the guy(name long forgotten) brought Jamie to the middle of nowhere and asked her to step one feet to each side of the path. Suddenly he told her she is in the middle of 'here' and 'there'.

If you asked me what was on my mind, that was on my mind but I know it is not possible. Can you imagine Jason said I am in the middle of 'Jurong XXX' and 'Jurong XXX' at the same time? Hahaha.

Then I quickly looked at the dark starless skies and to the surroundings. It sure doesn't seem like there is any place for us to sit down and see the stars, there is no stars in the first place. So I confusingly looked at Jason when he signalled me to the driver seat!

My eyes popped so wide and I quickly happily hopped to the driver seat! I REALLY GET TO DRIVE! Oh fuck,that was so damn exciting for me! Plus it was safe, no other cars around and one straight path ahead.

For your information, I don't even drive Daytona and now I get to drive a real car! I was so psyched and I turned happy again! I can't say the whole driving was a success. I was giggling so much and I think Jason was really scared. But heck with that, I actually drove! It was such a cool experience!

Ps: Driving ain't that easy. You would need so much concentration and now I am even more sure that I won't drive. But I would,if Jason lets me have a try again!

There is a small emotion part to Saturday and Jason didn't know it. We weren't holding hands most of the time. It just didn't feel the "right" thing to do much as I would love the comfort of my hand being hold, I resisted
Then there is this one time our hands brushed by each other and he held my hand. For that few seconds, I felt my heart warming up and I felt like crying. I didn't.

Friday.

I hurried to Starbucks, The Cathay in the morning. Starbucks just feel so christmasy and I love the cosy warm feel of their decor, the coffee smell and the christmas songs playing.

Ready for collection: Boy Bear 1 -3 are for Vonx,Irene & Yinz. Girl bear 1-2 are for Fyn & Wanru. Please collect them from me at your earliest convenience. =)

Vonx told me about this Gingerbread bear at Starbucks and my spontaneity asked me to buy it for them. And I did.

The other news is I couldn't resist getting one for myself. Another $24.90 blew just like that.

Say Good day to Gingerbread Bear.

Speaking of bears, I bought the pumpkin one back at KL.

I stuck it on the side of my work monitor.

Pretty cute huh? I hope it won't become a dusty pumpkin in time to come.

Thursday

After work, we met up to celebrate RQ's 25th birthday! When we knew each other, we are barely 18 and now we are like mid 20s! MID 20s is suddenly a very scary notion.
It seem to me that my friends' lives are all moving on and I felt a lil' depressed actually. It is quite apparent that mine is stuck. My emotional rants are as a result of it.

I still find Sizzler' food not that worthy of it's prices. The ladies had the salad bar but judging by what we ate, I think we only covered a fraction of what it costs.

My favourite photo of the day. Yinz' Domo getting murdered. Hahaha.

More photos of the celebration found at Facebook. =)

Wednesday

Fyn's last day at the company. Like what I've written on her card, I could possibly be the happiest and saddest at the same time. That silly girl cried as soon as Clara hugged her and almost couldn't stop.

Tomorrow would be the start of her new job! I bet she couldn't sleep more than 6 hours tonight and possibly less. Lolx. No worries babe, you would do very well there! We will get to meet each other soon!! Yay!!!! Do keep me updated every now and then.

Cakes from Pine Garden.

Fyn got us cakes from Pine Garden. She knew I had that very lovely piece from Irene's wedding and she ordered one of the Lychee Martini cake just for me. I just heartx her! MUACKS!

YUMMMY~

If you remembered how it tasted, imagine the bigger slice in your mouth. I thought I was a lil drunk after the cake. Can't help floating to mid air. Lolx.

Met Irene at Clarke Quay after work. Only people like Irene could afford buying non-discounted clothes at economy recession like this. I was so lucky cos' Irene gave me a free top! Due to her purchases, she is entitled to get any free top in the shop and she gave the choice to me! So darn lucky & happy!

We were supposed to dine at Coffee Club when I just realised she made a reservation at Merchant Court instead. I thought I heard wrongly when I thought I heard reservation to eat durians.

It was practically Irene's treat the whole night! From the top to the dinner and to the ride home. I felt so damn paiseh about it!

It was a pouring night and we swam in our emotions.I can't imagine the day whereby Irene won't be in Singapore for years. It would have meant a significant big loss to my life.

Suddenly I feel lonely. Yes, I have friends but somehow inside I feel lonely. People are moving on and what I am doing?

Wrong? Don't tell me that I am doing anything wrong again. What is right and who defines the right and wrong of which.

Don't. Judge. Anything. Ever. Like don't assume anything ever.

Somewhere this evening, I thought of something. I wanna embark on another spontaneous trip again. Maybe not as spontaneous as the previous KL trip (but that is lovely) but maybe like the previous HK trip. I wanna go Taiwan by the mid of 2009 and I will call Jason to tell him about this later.

Good Sunday,people.

I hope the next week be a good one for us.

Boy, I miss your kisses.
All the time but this is, 25 minutes too late.
Though you travel so far, boy I'm sorry you are...25 minutes too late.
- MLTR '25 mins'

I would be absolutely gutted if this happen to anyone I know, let alone me myself.
But be it 25 seconds, 25 minutes, 25 hours, 25 months or 25 years. If the person you love comes late, would you really just dismiss that off , carry on the life you choose and be responsible for it?

Responsibility? Who defines the responsibility? When you know you only live once and only that once, you wanna be bonded by that defined responsibility and live on a life that would otherwise be different?

Cos' we are all cowards. We dare not make a wrong move that would upset what we have now. We just couldn't bear to hurt what we have cos' they are not wrong yet.

If a person I love comes along late, would I not go with my heart?
I understand sometimes it is beyond our control. Sometimes you just have to be responsible. Sometimes you just can't make a mistake.
Life's never about having the best of both worlds(unless you are so fucking lucky) so one has to make do.

If I still have a choice, if you still have a choice, if we still have a choice.
What would be it?
Or...is it always Alea Jacta Est?

我不愿放弃却要故意默默允许-郑中基

It feels like more than just a few days since I last blogged. Now I don't know if I should back date. Back dating is such a tiring thing to do and I would really love to just spend my time to read.

Amidst of all the things that happening around me, I feel emotionally locked. There are so many things happening around me and even though I tried to move on with them, it is often at quiet night like this with all the emotional songs playing along that make me realised I am still stuck here.
It is like...I have never move on.

Relationship wise, I feel very disturbed. The world can tell me all the wrong that I did and am doing, but my heart...Can you understand?
Emotions are something private and selfish. It refused another soul to understand nor actually feel it. You can feel sad for a person's pain but really, you won't understand it cos' you are not the one going through.

I go through my memories. It is always the same issue I face eventually with Jason. No matter how many good times there are, that issue never goes away. Sometimes I wish to be more cruel. I really wish that he would just leave me alone for good.
I rather face the loneliness of without a partner than the guilt and the lose of right to find someone else I might really like. I do not fancy the day that I would just leave him for good only when I have really find that someone.

I would like to acknowledge the fact that it is not that I have never dare to face this issue with Jason. I did, too many times. The same issue was never solved cos' neither Jason nor I were firm to let this go.
I relented cos I just feel equally pain to hurt him like that and who can sure that I am not making the biggest mistake of my life to end this relationship...just like that?

In a way, I know he is trying to protect me. I know for sure that if I wanna leave, he would let me go cos' he loves me. (My throat feels a thick lump coming to here...Sigh.) I would like to blame him. I wanted to think that he is just selfish. He just wanna bet his luck against time. Should he win, we would still be together. Should he not, he would painfully bear the final preparation he had at the bottom of his heart.

I know it would be a stupid decision to leave Jason. Trust me,friends. Whatever scenario you have tried to analyse for me, I have went through all of them in my head. I am really not as emotionally dumb as what love makes a fool out of a person.
I would not wanna risk my 5 years plus worth of relationship for anything else as well. Jason is a good man and if I am lucky, I would be married to him in years to come.
I know he would be someone I can count on, depend on and makes me happy.

But what is missing?

It is not that I don't love Jason. I do. But is it a love that I have been seeking for?
"Oh, don't be stupid. How long can passion burns? Everything fades with time and it is most important that you settle for a right man who loves you and you can live with."
You think I do not know that? But my heart refuses to settle for that.

I can honestly tell you I never forget Ronald.
I thought I did but I didn't. I can still remember the way he looks. Maybe my memories of his exact appearance fades with time but I can still remember the outline.
My heart would still skip a beat or two when I imagined seeing him suddenly.
Very importantly I remember the way I feel about Ronald. I guess it is that feeling I remember more clearly than anything.

I do not know how to explain that he* is not a substitute. I really do not think he is despite the very initial impression. We are good friends, we are not. Whatever we are, my friends tell me it is the every step I am making is wrong (and though I know it) and I cannot control.
But I know I would be brought to face up all the things I did eventually and much as I dread, I already picture that scenario a thousand over times.

You tell me that I am wrong. I know I am. But would you be able to do better if you really are me? Would you really? If you are not you but me, would you do better?
Maybe you will but would you then understand the emotion turmoil that quakes my heart over and over again?
I cried so many times for this that I find myself not crying over it anymore but still my heart is bleeding. If there's any wound, it would have rot by now.

But I know. A mistake is a mistake no matter how much I tried to justify it. I am feeling all the rotten impacts of it right now that at this very moment, I really cant breathe. My heart seems to keep contracting, like it is trying to squeeze itself dry.

-Sigh...Breathe,breathe.-

Romance?Love? How long can that last? Can they be stable and bring me the happiness I want from my heart? Putting them against all the unfavourable realist factors in life, do they stand a chance for my future?
And where do I get them from? Am I even sure that the one I thought I am seeing is right? What if I am just being stupid,thinking too much of everything?
Lastly would I even get them in the first place when the ugly truth sets in? I dare not imagine.

And then what about now? What about now? What about now?

You know I feel so fucking shite right now that I really wanna bolt outta this place and cry myself till I can't remember who I am.

The bad news is my tear ducts didnt wanna make it easy for me.
The bad-dier news is my heart is taking the place to cry and making every single part of my body so painful.
The bad-dest news is I still have to pretend everything is ok when the day comes and go on with my daily life.

Kuala Lumpur...Mmmmm~

It has been an amazing,fun filled trip together with Vonx & 2 new friends for me.
Totally heartx it.
Human photos are with Vonx and mine are finally some here & there and foodies. May take some time to upload.

While we are totally shagged, I would LOVE to go KL again with my friends.
Shireen & Yanling have been such nice & easy going babes! Vonx has all the nice friends, including yours truely. (LOL!)

Anyway the good news is I am back in Singapore in one piece (and a few layers more on the face & tummy). Totally sugar,oil,cream (much equivalent to fats) overloaded.

The not-so-good news is I would be back to stone cold office tomorrow.

The dilemma is I am stuck in between brains & romance. (F-ked!)

Sigh.

Miss ya all,
Ling

Update before I leave

Actually I am leaving tomorrow. (Sounds like I am going to somewhere that would takes hours in a plane.) Well, I would be in a plane but less than a hour, I would reach my destination.

I have 2 comments asking ,"Aren't you excited?" - Exactly the same question. Queer.
Excitement would perhaps hit me lightly on the head tomorrow before I fly away in a Jetstar, but would home-sickness accompany me too?

Actually to be totally honest (and seemly useless), I am feeling a little insecure. A few small butterflies in my stomach and I feel a little embarassed to admit this.
This is my first trip going away with friends and I feel a little...erm..insecure inside? Perhaps I never have to worry about anything when I travelled in the past.
Jason took very good care of me and everything during the last HK trip, I don't have to plan anything at all.

Ya, I know I am such a baby. This (tall) seemly independent big gal is so useless inside. -roll eyes-

Nonetheless I hope to see you all back in a few days time.
Silly is gonna have flies flying around her in BoreSville when I returned. The last time I left her alone for 2 days and came back seeing flies smooching her. It is such an amusing sight. I just hope she won't die of hunger, I would devastated!

Till I return, hold your breath.

Meowz,

Ling

You don't know me at all

I am not here now to re-account the feelings that I have been through.
No, you don't know me at all.

I am not here now to re-rant the state of mood I am.
No, you don't know me at all.

No! You don't know me at all! And sadly, I do not wish you to know me anymore.

Suddenly you are away. Everyone is away again. Away cos' they have their own emotions to deal with and I can never solve mine.

I am not here now to re-pretend that I am happy.

No, I am not angry with you or you or you.

No....You don't know me at all.

Love, where are you?

My work phone line incidentally forms a Love after I hung down. This is what I call Love on the line, which indirectly made me labelled that on one of my Facebook's photo.

Been feeling a lil' bored again. I thought of my friends. Where are they, how are they doing? Happiness and unhappiness is a cycle and we still haven't got sick of it. Actually not entirely used to it either.

Love, where are you?

I feel that my soul is detached from my body and see 'me' doing the things that I do everyday. I do not feel love or little of it. Not from the things I do everyday. If sleep is a solace then I think I can never get enough of it. I seriously wish I could sleep all day.

Silly,in BoreSville took after it's owner. She is often happily in Lalala Land whenever I go visit her. And thank you Bes, for the bed. If not she only has a floor to look up to the ceilings.

Is it the same with you? Even when I am moving along the traffic, I find myself not walking. Physically I am, mentally I am not. Mentally I was striking a conversation with someone else, in another scene, doing another thing. Sometimes the facial expression almost reveal (like almost smile)and I quickly snapped outta it.
I don't want to alarm the by standers. I am not lunatic and don't want others to think of me like that.

How about living not just in my head but also with my life?

I. Need to find a lil' bit of love. Back in my life.

What the...

I thought for a long while..thinking what to blog.
No.
Nothing comes to mind.

I guess not everyday can be the same.
Odd & somewhat scary if everyday can be the same.

在一起叫 梦. 分开了叫 痛 - 周杰伦

Reading can take a mind away.
It took me away from the world that I am resting my body at, away from the minutes and seconds that is ticking away.
Before my eyes, what you see are words, what I read are words. But what I see is the world that the words are painting.

So that is it, I finished reading 'If you can see me' in less than a day time. I thought it is beautiful story with a light romance infused in between the lines.
Eakm Evileb. ;) I figured what is eakm evileb before the answer was revealed in the end. Can you figure it up? It ain't that hard at all.

By the way, I did not went to sleep after I finished blogging last night.

I decided any other time would not be a better time than yesterday to watch it. I eagerly tore off the annoying plastic wrapper & inserted the disc in my laptop.
Reading and watching it both make me cry. Like most novels made movies, I still think the book is better than the movie.
While you read, you can already see the scenes acted before your eyes. But when you see the movie, you can't help but feel a lil' disappointed at the omission and change of details here and there.

Ryan Gosling starring as the young Noah is cute. He may not be exactly drop dead gorgeous but he has a very 'awwww' pair of eyebrows. Those kinda curve downwards and with deep set brown eyes, the magic works for him.
However Noah in the movie is little like the Noah I read in the book. Noah,from my readings, is someone more shy, less aggressive & more resilent.I can't say that the Noah on the screen leaves the same impression.
Rachel Mcadams starring as the young Allie is indeed very Allie. She reminded me as the more petite Anna Hathaway in brown hair.

The story ended well, I guess. Not that I would regret spending $19.95 for.

I slept near three in the morning and woke up almost eleven hours after. Good holy 11 hours of sleep on a Sunday! It feels very refreshing and I wish I could spend another day sleeping at least 10 hours away.
I woke up feeling very peaceful. The sunlight, the sounds from the surroundings, the light wind...Everything was in the right conoction and I am in peace.

Living your life as it is. I dislike when mine is being interfered by others and complicated by the society's rules & expectations. My uncle just came to me again telling me that I should grab the opportunity to upgrade myself (academically wise) and then change a new job.

I don't know what you believe in, in your life. For me, I believe ("I would like to believe it's all about love for a child." HAHAHA. Jason Mraz was just singing that as I typed 'I believe ...') living in your own freedom.

Never mind if you are in a world of your own. If it makes you happy now, what is so difficult in believing & living the culture you have for yourself? So long it doesn't ruin you, doesn't harm others, I think that is good.

在一起叫 梦. 分开了叫 痛. I guess that applies to some people in our lives. That coincidentally applies to the story I just read too.

Some partings...No doubt is inevitable.

On another note...Whenever I read, I slumpered into a world of my own. I find myself being a comfort of not talking so much that now when I talk, I think my family has difficulty hearing me right.

I ,on the other hand is just so comfortable with the silence and not talking much. I think there shouldn't be any discomfort with silence.

I think I can live without talking for months. Can you?

How about a Saturday story?

I realised it has been a few entries since I type down those word by word account of my day. Usually I like my entries infused with a somewhat self thought quiziccal notions but I guess, to prevent myself from forgetting what happened in a day, I better have what I can remember enter first.

It's a boring Saturday @ Suntec area. Christmas decorations are up in town and the first Xmas tree I spotted was the Raffles City's. I thought it look pretty simple yet classy. I like.

On Saturday:

Silly was sleeping soundly when I visited just now. I thought in BoreSville, life could be pretty insipid but actually blissful.

We had lunch @ Fish & Co, much to Jason's delight.

Fish & Co makes him a gleeful soul.

Again we had non-local staff serving us. The more the waitress tried to talk in accent, the less we could understand. At least I think they are nice servers.

Jason told me Carreffour was having a mini book fair sale. I thought I could find some Sparks' works there but I didn't.

This is what I call a 'book barf'.

Instead I got 3 other random novels instead. Books that I don't read, don't know the author but guess it is readable.

Ok. I admit that I took the 'If you could see me now' cos' the book cover is pretty and it states that it is from the author of 'Ps, I love you.' (I never watch that show though.)
'Undomestic Godness' was because I thought that might be a easy and funny read, knowing Sophie Kinsella's style , and 'Back in the game' cos...I think it was something along the lines I read that attracted me.

We walked rounds in Suntec before proceeding to Millenia Walk.
I am officially announcing that I am tentatively sick of cafes' foods & coffees.(Hurray!) This is the 2nd time in the week that I went TCC. It gives me a hard time deciding what to drink.

In the end, I did not order coffee but had what they call Ice Kaffello Latte. It is organic soymilk with coffee jelly - NICE! But I felt a lil' suckered to actually pay an average cuppa's price for soymilk. (Though organic but who knows the truth in the kitchen anyway?)Jason had Matcha Kiss. He just like that green tea jap thing.

It's no more Coffee or Tea for Me now. -cheesy-

We started playing with our cups, pretending we are fishes.

I started that.

Of cos' view in the water ain't that great so glad we aren't fishes.

We went to Marina Square and walked more rounds in dotdotdot. In other words, boring.

With me around, it is always taking pictures like that.

A picture speaks a thousand words. Mine speaks only one.

Fun.

Anyway I finally found what I wanted for weeks @ HMV. Credits to Jason.

I wanna watch it now but I am a lil' sleepy. I read the novel twice and now, I think I am ready to cry again.

Good Sunday morning now. Should I sleep or should I not?